It’s my birthday and I’ll do what I want to!

So I am now officially in my mid-thirties. I turned 35 the other week and I spent it in the best way I knew how - with my husband, on the British coastline, walking, watching for birds, and finding cosy pubs with good food. 

Were all my friends and family there? No.

Did I get dressed up all nice and fancy? No.

Did we get the champagne out? No.

But was it exactly what I wanted? Hell yes.

We stayed in a little pub in West Wittering, with a short walk to the beach and a short drive to some RSPB reserves that I’ve been wanting to visit. We explored the beach, watching the sanderlings scuttling across the sand. We collected shells, walked through the rain until our waterproofs were no longer waterproof, and dried off in a cosy pub in front of a fire with some gluten free fish and chips. Bliss.

And how different from previous birthdays.

When I was younger, a birthday would be the opportunity to celebrate in all the ways we’d been taught how. A new outfit, the ‘nice’ restaurant, the ‘proper’ Prosecco, the ‘fancy’ bar. Inviting everyone I could, drinking and eating as much as I could, and not stopping once to think if I was enjoying myself.

I mean, yeah, it’s nice to have those things sometimes, and I wouldn’t say I didn’t enjoy myself at all. But did it feel like a celebration of me? Was I enjoying it in my core or just on the surface?

Actually, going out to bars and clubs would often wrack me with anxiety, ending my night in a panic attack more often than I cared to admit at the time. Having all the attention, wearing something normally uncomfortable, and all these eyes on me made me want to run away and hide. But I still did it with a smile on my face, because that’s what you did, right?

Looking back, I sometimes barely recognise myself. It’s okay, I needed that version of me to grow and learn, to see things could be different, and to get me to the place I am now. I don’t resent it at all. 

You see, it’s all part of the story; when we start to discover the difference between what we’ve been taught, and what we actually want, we start to see that we are allowed to be different. The more we start to really embrace those individualities of our own, we start to celebrate them! And a birthday is just that, a celebration of you, for you! 

So, next time you’re celebrating or doing something for you, make sure it is actually something for you!